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there's a memory in the back of everyone's mind. the memory that scares you the absolute most. the one that you try your hardest to never face. mine is when i had no close friends. when no one would call me to hang out. The scary part? it didn't seem to be so long ago. we all have those relationships where we look back and wonder why we put ourselves through it. i put myself through horrible, awful relationships just so that someone would call me and want to hang out with me. and this continued for years. up until about 3 months ago. last winter changed everything. everything about me is so different that I am finally able to say that I hated who I was, and who I've become is better. Because who I am, is who I always wanted to be. I'm finally people's g-to guy, the person they call because they want me around, and I don't know why, or even care at all. Because it's wonderful, after 20 years of hiding, to finally smile for real.
we are all users and abusers of an outdated, capitalist society. thanks to an attitude based soley on "progression for the sake of progression", we have turned human interaction of romance into a capitalist, cash-grabbing venture. we have commercialized love, people! how can we sit by and watch as we become even more escapist and voyeuristic as a culture. we watch other people living their lives as if it were a normal thing. we have lost what it truly is to live. all the drinking and hooking up, and meaningless sex and proliferation of the corporate cash in hand dogma that most of us complain about on a day to day basis! we've grown into such frivolent spending habits that we far outreach our means. who are we to think that we're so entitled that we can waste our time in revelry when our country is crumbling at the seams? strike back! put down your glasses and take u arms! fight against a society that begs to enslave you to the will of a paper currency slip! enlighten yourselves, go t class, rea a book, take up a fine art, do something to culture yourselves, because our culture is corruption. our culture is delivering the most dramatized from of "life" it can offer to convince you to spend more money to fuel the cycle. BREAK IT!!!!! BREAK THE DAMN CYCLE!!!!! REVOLT! REVIVE! RETAKE THE GLORY OF BOHEMIA! EDUCATION AND EQUALITY! TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT IS AT OUR GRASP, IF WE ONLY ARE WILLING TO BREAK FREE OF THEIR COLD SOULLESS HANDS! VIV LA REVOLUCION!

a poem about nature

Lucy gray she spoke her name
with a twinge of fear and an ounce of shame
she grew up on the banks of Prague
amongst a sea of peasants swimming past
she'd be blessed for a death brought fast
if she only knew how the future's cast
became brittle, broken, cracked!

oh with nature's breeze she felt at peace
as the deer nibbled leaves in a summer's breeze
she let her heart come flutter free
as she drank from the banks of a dying creek
as the wildlife stood in awe!

oh what theories were revealed
as her mind became one with nature's glee
the wool was pulled, the curtains fell
oh what social frauds she begged repealed
as the wildlife tuned teir ears to her voice
gently they sang in praise!

she sought like minds to reconnect
as a fawn strolled up and bowed it's head
she stroked his fur
and scores would join
as she sang a peaceful nature song
it struck a chord with an enlightened mind
wandering in search of self

as her joy rang amongst the trees
i perked my ears to her her sing

love and pain guide two headed hearts
one servant guards the gates
cut one off and you'll surely fail
but in taming pain love can prevail
the pains i hide on twenty years
all have been whisked away
when domesticated love did reveal it's shining grace
to a loveless, pained, tear-streaked face
became lost in nature's sweet embrace

the heart is just a wild beast
when tamed my soul, now shielded from pain
my heartbreaks and weathered issues
begged to nail my coffin shut for eternity
but i kicked and screamed i beg and plead
drive back the advance of death's cold embrace
this is not how i shall leave
i'll struggle towards my bitter end

she fell in love with nature's grace
as her hands caressed the stranger's face
and here they'll stay the the days bear no more fruit
and love will never shun their hearts

entwined as one
as nature rejoiced
romm deep thickets love blooms forth
a rose a sweet as love breathes pure
no fate to be plucked or forced in growth
just simple, careless, living free
a nurtured love, oh we did share
and for the world's loss, they did not care.

Feb. 10th, 2009

decades peeled back against his face
the night sky shimmers in a sweet embrace
the stereo's swagger bursts through the night
a father's moment revealed to son's eyes
the windows rolled down, spring's soft embrace
as the wind swept whistle caressed his face

two separate moments maligned by time
30 years intertwine in family blood diatribes
the stories once lost one has regained
a calmer mood has come to grace

six months book ended by tragic loss
two grandmothers sleep in dirt. six feet underground
just hours ago he watched the dirt pour
upon seventy eight years of love's fine aura

a grounded voice to thine dreaming tongue
the balance now lost, naught for memories spun
in the webs in corners, in annuls of mind
such loving embrace free flowing of time

brisk wind carries heartbeats of a grandfather's tears
the love of his life no longer lies near
a man so stoic now brought to the brink
to existence of true love, his tears do speak.

you know, it's kind of sad that i had built such a wall around my true self that I needed lsd and mushrooms to tear it down. so guarded, so bitter, so afraid to be me,i've spent ten years playing dumb, and that's all that they'll see. sixteen hours spent stuck in a different perspective did more for me emotionally and spiritually than the years of therapy and prescribed pills ever did. i had an epiphany during my mushroom trip, and realized what i was doing wrong. since that day, i've let my vocabulary ring out. i'm not afraid to let people now i'm smart anymore. i'm not afraid to speak my mind. and for the first time in a long time, i'm making friends based on who i really am, and not just who i'm trying to be so that people will like me. i'm happy i found my own happiness. because without it, i wouldn't have stood a chance.

my grandmother passed away on wednesday night. she died happy, and suddenly. the thought of my grandfather seeing her lying in a crumpled heap on the floor is too much to even imagine. but with this new found sense of self worth and maturity, i was able to deal with my grandma's passing. instead of wallowing in self pity, i was there for my grandpa, and the rest of my family. i'm going to survive. and oh my god did i cry. but there's no shame in tears, ever. what matters is what's in your heart. and for the first time in a long time, i'm more than willing to embrace my heart again. i'm so glad i was able to be responsible instead of a burden for once.

in the meantime, my whoring reform is going well. it's been 40 days since i adopted my pledge to not have meaningless sex. there's a girl i like i'm asking out for valentine's tomorrow. and i'm nervous. and it feels wonderful simply because i know that i care again. and no matter if she says yes or no, my head is in the clouds. permanently.

I'm back!

so for the four or five people who actually read this and any creepers, I finally have my computer back, and I've got three new songs to post up. praise and criticism are more than welcome, otherwise you wouldn't see them until they were in musical format. so enjoy. btw the last two are really influenced by a combination of bright eyes and conor's solo work. think a kind of feeling associated with his newest solo album, or anything off cassadaga, i'm wide awake it's morning, or fevers and mirrors.

Irish Eyes on Long Drives

drive into the starry night
the city lights reflecting in your hazel eyes
the stereo screams of love and pain
deep in our hearts we feel the same

can't you tell that i miss the taste of your lips
the alcohol sweetened the mood and we'll sing as one
maybe we're just two headlights on the interstate
roaming for a spark to light our heart's ablaze

the music rings out from the stereo
my heart's beating faster than his guitar strings
a love once lost but you still cling to your past
futures seem scary as our dreams are swinging past

never know what my last
one moment hangs by a string
our new breath's taking gasps
this night might last forever
an interstate kiss could be our first (could be our last)
only time will tell us
if this moment's meant to last


Did Your Smile Fade as The Hero Wept?

light shoots forth from the darkness of the cavern
the tragic hero bringing messages we all can be saved
a changing of the guard, hope springs eternal
optimism shares the glow of love yet unknown

the sword of honor lies frigid in the snow
of a frozen heart solidified in tragedy long ago
my flame of hope seeks to break the ice
the writers see their visions of a future
breaking free of the undergrowth

the path was long and arduous
another rocky path lies along this cliff's steep edge
the intertwining of lives breed a hybrid vision
of love and lies and broken hearts
the bad luck boys scream across the airwaves
everything we've lived and felt
will span across the chasms of a broken jagged past


this novel writes new tales each day
puppets spinning on the strings of despair
love's labors lost in a sea of doubt
but that faint shine of hope still glimmers forth
this myth of love was born of truth
now only if the knights could bring back proof

Purple Mountain's Tragedy

I can't go anywhere without seeing a face i've known
the names they run together like fireflies dancing in the night
by no means am I famous
I guess I'm infamous at best
but when I leave I swear I will come back
for the kids I couldn't dare forget

(Chorus 1)
well i can travel with the trade winds
get lost upon the high seas
channel odysseus into my soul
or i could hop aboard a jet plane
ride the crash into the plain states
but my heart will never stray

lost in a sea of friendly faces
but i can never make arrangements
i'm always lost inside my head
but when the kids they throw a party
and the boys start getting rowdy
you can count on me to show

(chorus 2)
i could drive out of the country
until my car runs out of gas
oh well i'm on the road but never alone
just a modern day Kerouac
getting high under the city lights
and killing myself to make a point

(melody shift, kind of like a bridge but into a completely different song structure)
the friends you make
and the friends you keep
are very separate things
when you're broken down on the side of the road
with nothing but a stranger's phone
you'll see who comes in through the snow
and when you're on your deathbed
i'll be dying by your side
cause after all the joints and all the shots
you find some friends just last the night

(another melody shift, instrumentation, jam out, just having fun, with random vocalization, clapping, all that fun stuff)

(back to original melody)
Chorus 1

(fun break)

Chorus 2

(another fun break)

Chorus 3:
I've seen the serpent on the horizon
and the black behind his teeth
he said drive west to california
maybe there you'll finally get some sleep
but i don't want to die in a sunlight bath
i'll keep the snow beneath my feet

(this one is my favorite)

ok so this is really personal for me to post, but if you want to understand who i am, then here it is. some of what is said is inspirational, some is sad, but this is how i speak, and this is me being who i really am. so if you like it feel free to im me

how i really amCollapse )

a calm before the storm

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile but my comp is in the shop for a crashed hard drive so once I restore my music collection, expect lyrics and a lengthy entry

from chicago with love

Towers hang over me

The skyline looms like eyes
Watching us coming in from the outskirts where shelter's seeked
No better home could be asked for
Wrap me up in your heart

She speaks to me
Her voice in my heart
A love I've known before time gripped me old
Your eyes they shimmer
The sunlight makes her sparkle
In the night she'll light up
The warmth is taking over

Skyscrapers reach into the heavens
Like arms to hold me in
Lake shore drive my love professed
The cold couldn't dare keep my heart away
The air is in my lungs
And the songs rips out my heart
I've found peace

Seattle's just lifting underwater
And socal heat's my death
New york seems just too far away
Chicago let's go hide away

Chorus x2

No dream could ever compare
To the sights I've seen in the midnight lights
I'll send my love
A lake effect kid
Forever till we part
The new years flow like an ebbing tide
As the rain pours down some things never changed
Lay alone in bed for another night
Wonder when life will take a change
Maybe taking charge is what to do
Or maybe I made it worse

Will it ever fall into place for once
You're bound to never hold my hand
Because the nights are long and arduous
And my sights are set with no avail

Happiness just split the deck
And my poker face just headed south and died out on the beach
The Hospital's full of flailing souls just looking for a fix
Pick up a soda can carve a hole kids heaven's closer than you think
But you'll never find it laying naked in bed letting rain drops play the soundtrack to your sleeping moments

I dunno I'll work on this in the morning I'm really high right now

huh just a thought

why is it so much easier for me to quit smoking here in chicago as opposed to isu.......

oh yeah. i'm not happy there and i don't want to go back.

i miss my hipster friends, but they kind of ignore me, probably mostly because the fact that i'm in a fraternity rules out me being taken seriously.

fuck. my. life.

lover's lament

the feelings
these longings
they all feel the same
the longing looks
tongues held in cheek
why do we act this way

it's not like i love you
no i'll never feel this way
but you always speak
the words that find
themselves burrowing in my brain

the longing
it's too great
i've found that these instincts
i can never keep away

but when i get so nervous i can't speak
and when i sleep i speak not but your name
if romeo had left juliet
would juliet still wait
and if he'd made the same sweeping romantic gestures
would rosaline have stayed

It's not like i love you
well maybe somewhat the same